Right or Wrong!

The well-meaning agencies caution us against paying child-beggars, but we wish to help them out of pity or to assuage our own guilt feelings; the mind forcefully argues against riding on the dignity and drudgery of the old rickshaw puller, but his plight tugs at the heart to allow him to earn his bread….

In situations such as these, where the heart pulls in one direction and the mind pushes in the opposite, can we, as humans, ever sit in judgment over what is right and what is wrong?

Right or wrong, in the conflict between the conscious and the conscience, I am inclined towards the latter.

Someone’s Pain, My Pleasure ?

The dead depart and the accused are arrested, but the world around rest of the crestfallen family falls apart. We relish gossiping about and deriving voyeuristic pleasure from tragedies befalling others. Gruesome details, innards and all, are shared and forwarded endlessly and instinctively with glee and become fodder for free entertainment. It is forgotten there are none without dark hidden side.

As evolved beings, can we curb this primitive urge, and show sensitivity by shunning the senseless and being sensible? Can we search deep within and allow a semblance of dignity to those who have to suffer ignominy for no fault of theirs? Can we just let them be?

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REACT WITHOUT REACTING ?

During a recent conversation with my friend Sanjeev Patni, he touched upon an interesting aspect of human behaviour – about not giving a “margin of error” to people while responding to them. While thinking about it I realized how eager we are to react and jump the gun. We make instant judgments (mostly erroneous) about people, and respond viciously based on their one-off act or words. We do not step back for a moment and try to understand their reference point…..from where are they coming…from which situation, with what emotional baggage…? More often than not, their words and acts are nothing but  outpourings of pent-up feelings, nothing to do with the situation at hand but merely finding an outlet.

Can we then, in these situations, react without reacting? Can we speak with understanding silence? Can we let the moment pass? Can we just let them be…? And thus maintain our dignity and salvage theirs ?!

Last night I dreamed of him again !

Last night i dreamed of him again…one of my most favourite persons…….a professor…with whom i have developed a special rapport over the years, a heart felt something difficult to put in words. He was as handsome in the dream as he is in real life. I met him last when i went to invite him for a function. As always he was with his spastic son whom i had often met as a child. After embracing me and giving me tea, he gave me a packet saying this was the money i had arranged to buy a wheelchair for his son decades ago. I choked and understood under what compulsions he must have accepted the money at great cost to his uprightness, righteousness, dignity…but his love for son had prevailed. We argued, we fought…he to return the money….i to make him keep it. I won, but i did not feel triumphant.

There are men  and there are men….He stands tall- heads and shoulders above most others…humane in his humanity, dignified in his simplicity, graceful in his sensitivity. He warms the cockles of my heart and brings tears to my eyes each time i meet him in person or in dreams.

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OF CONSTRUCTION, DECONSTRUCTION AND DESTRUCTION !

Using a metaphor, I call her Life. 

Life which is full of cunning, deceit and treachery !

Life taught me there are elements of Construction & Deconstruction in poetry, as in life.

But she Constructed to Destruct.

An uniquely sordid and sinister drama unfolds when she constructs and destructs her own love poetry while devouring John Donne and Neruda….where she designs, directs and becomes the protagonist…..to construct a new poetry, by destroying the old.  

It is her Masterstroke, but the game is not over, not yet !

Now let me take you on this journey of Construction and Destruction to arrive at the truth that the REAL was SURREAL at best and FAKE at its worst !

To take you on this journey which begins with Seduction and culminates into Ruination, I have put together some of my writings and a few quotes :

 

CONSTRUCTION

 Seduction By Life !

O Life how you seduce me…

I lust for you or you lust for me ?

O voluptuous, sensuous life,

You suck me in your beautiful body, you devour me in your exuberant soul !

Your sights n smells, sounds n scents so exciting….

Your contours n curves, crannies n crevices so enticing…..

You engulf me like flames of forest fire !

You embrace me n kiss me with primal passion…

You dance in me and i dance inside you … with joy unbound n exhilaration….

A particle in whirlwind gyrating with gay abandon…..

O Life You inflame decadent desire !

O Life you tempt with hedonistic pleasure !

I swim in your waters, I dive in the depths of your valleys…

 I climb your hills, I fathom your forests of lilys…

Life… you enthrall, you invigorate !

Life…you invite, you intoxicate !

Life….you energize, you stimulate !

You attract, you addict, you attack, you arrest !

You call, You seek, you beckon, you challenge !

O alluring fascinating Life, You charm me out of my wits,

I am eternally thirsty to drink the love-poison from your lips !

O Life you lure, you hunt, you thrill…. n you kill….

And like a woman wily n wanton, you spoil !

Life dear, You enter my soul n my soul enters you to meet, merge n mate,

And how I cherish n our tempestuous relationship I celebrate !

Oh Life how you seduce me,

I lust for you and you lust for me…!

 

 DESTRUCTION

 Excerpts from my Blog: “Absurdity of Love n Existence…in the context of Lover’s treachery”

Deeply influenced by Camus and the absurdity of love and existence,…..I write about the life of this lover…life which is not a theatre of the absurd, …but a life of absurdity…a living, palpitating absurdity.

….I never perceived the full meaning of lifelong struggle to get back lost love, as I was not a party to it, as I had not lost you then, nor ever dreamt of losing you ever. I am hit by its full import now as you have gone away and abandoned me for another, as I suffer and pine for you. To have you back in my life is my futile struggle reflected in my silent quest, in my hopeless hope, and the anguished cry which escapes from my soul, reaches your heart but touches you not.

….. So is the absurdity I face in my life now…I know you will never come back, but I keep asking, shamelessly, unmindful of the humiliating rejections….I settle for the life of subjugation, to the misery of circumstances… with an attitude of acceptance.

…. though I am fully conscious of my fate and futility,  I cannot escape the struggle…for i can endure it. By embracing the hopelessness, I am aware of the limitations of life…therefore, I discerningly revolt against my fate….this futility…by continuing to toil and try. And I rebel with inner strength and moral courage.

But I am yet to reach a stage where I am free from my anxieties about you, about return of love from you…for I keep hoping…Though I choose a life that is without appeal and hope, my heart still keeps appealing…and hoping…and I keep asking for your love. Though I am indifferent to the future, i cherish my present struggle for your love to the fullest, even if you…the object of my desire…find it deplorable and despicable.

You will be convinced of my arguments, my sincerity, my thoughts n feelings, and the seriousness of my efforts to regain my love only by my death, therefore I die thousand deaths daily.

I am continuing in my misery with a profound understanding of it…I wonder whether I am beginning to savour it. I believe seeking you, your love… is more momentous than suicide…..which serves no purpose. My situation is hopeless and gloomy….and the hopelessness and the gloom are eternal, but I am thoughtlessly immersed in my pursuit and I think neither of hope nor of hopelessness. I am fully aware of the absurdity.

“Basically, at the very bottom of life, which seduces us all, there is only absurdity, and more absurdity. And maybe that’s what gives us our joy for living, because the only thing that can defeat absurdity is lucidity..” (Camus)

And I am lucid enough to understand the futility.

And I stand triumphant in my tragedy !

And I love you !

 

Of Broken Sandal and Heart

Oh…such was the intensity when we first met,

her sandals broke…

I put the broken sandals on her feet,

and we carried on, she limping along !

Was it harbinger of the day she repaid

by placing my heart on my hands after breaking it ?

 

Body and Mind

She said I made her a woman

And she took away my manhood !

She said she came to me for my  mind

But she left me for some  “body” !

Her metamorphosis was oh so swift so urgent

She lost no time and developed wings to desert me !

My deepening lines now did not impress her, my wit n repartee now of no report,

Empty and redundant now I was, for she had found someone abundant !

 

The Difference

What could have been between us, was never to be….

You swore by love and I lay all my trust in trust,

 I did not prove you wrong…

But you did by breaking my trust !

 

The Lesson

“When you finally trust someone,

without any doubt you finally get one of the two results,

 A person for Life, Or

A LESSON FOR LIFE”

 

Lafjon ki Dhokebaazi

I did not ask, and you did not tell,

when I did ask, you weaved “lafjon ki dhokebazi”.

 

Lie n Truth

You can’t lie to your soul,

for your soul knows your truth, your deception !

 

Perceptions

There are things known and things unknown,

There are words said and words unsaid…

And in between are the doors of perception !

 

Road to Enlightenment

Deception…Perception…
Confirmation…Liberation…
Enlightenment !

 

Naturally So

She couldn’t help Deceiving….. again n again,

It is Her nature !

I couldn’t help Trusting….. time n again,

It’s Mine !

 

Of Fake Love

Shout from the roof-tops,

0r wear it as a badge….

What is Love….but fake,

If it’s the Trust you break !

 

Fareb

Meri kitab ke har ek panne, har ek lafj pe sirf usika jikr hai,

jao ek baar uski ankhon me jhaank aao…..

dikhayi degi meri mohabbat,

aur uska fareb !

 Every page, every word of my book is full of her,

Go, look into her eyes once….

You will see my love,

And her treachery !

 

Real ? Surreal ? Fake ?

Yes her love was exquisite n  beautiful….

But like a plastic flower,

She was neither Real nor Surreal….

But a FAKE !

 

Careful Destruction

She took great care in destroying me,

After all she “loved” me so !

 

Right & Wrong

I believed we were beyond right or wrong,

But she wronged me saying it was right !

 

The Truth

The Unfaithful is faithfully so,

The Shameless is shamelessly so….

The twain meet in the Treacherous !

 

Parijat, Tea, Notebook and Bridges

Many a mornings i plucked fragile n fragrant PARIJAT for her with great care,

One morning she trampled upon them with scorn n glee…

the fragments n fading fragrance remain in my painful memory !

Many a afternoons i brewed TEA for her with great care n served delicately in China,

One afternoon she put poison of her deceit in my cup….

This poison circulates forever in my veins !

Many a days we wrote n read the NOTEBOOK of love together,

One day she tore it up and threw the torn pages away….

The words mock me mournfully !

Over the years we built the BRIDGES and crossed them hand-in-hand time n again,

She burnt the Bridges n threw the ashes to the winds…..

I ran after it and collected a handful, crestfallen n ashen-faced !

Now i love Parijat, Tea, Notebook and Bridges more….

Coz they remind me of her treachery !

 

Stranger in the Mirror

I stood before the mirror

And saw a stranger,

I asked: who are you ?

Stranger replied: I was !

 

Life Wish

I wish I met some people a little earlier,

some a little later,

and You never at all !

 

Paths

Our paths may cross again at times….

though I wish not !

If they do, I will step aside and make way for you…..

to pass unnoticed !

Now that Destruction is complete, my existential crisis is over. Am neither leading the Camus’s tragic life of exercise in futility nor contemplating metamorphosis into an insect as depicted by Kafka.

“If life can remove people you never dreamed of losing,

 it can replace them with someone you never dreamed of having” !

And as Oscar Wilde said :

 “The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly deceived”.

Parijat

 

Of Ageing n Ceding !

Tortured souls they were…my friend (who is many years older than me) n his wife whom I met recently after ages. They have one son, married…both husband n wife highly educated and in good jobs. Life should have been hunky dory for my friend couple, but they were miserable. As they opened their hearts, I was appalled by the attitude of their daughter in law and apathy of their son who remains mute spectator to the spectacles of disrespect n insults thrown at his parents.

Why is it that many educated and well versed in manners and etiquettes throw their civility to winds where parents are concerned ? Why even a harmless n well-meaning question concerning  their or their children’s well being or whereabouts is thought of as an intrusion and interference in their lives ? Why the parents are shouted at in reply ? Why are they misunderstood…intentionally and by design ? Why are they made to feel low, bad, a burden….unwanted and unwelcome…by words spoken n unspoken, by sarcasm nuanced or pronounced, by gestures…in your face or subtle ?

Why is it that in the sunset years, the parents have to suffer the humiliation n disgrace, ignominy n indignity ? They create and provide everything for their progeny…..willingly n happily cede time, space, ground, authority, money, assets..…everything, except the responsibility…..which they continue to shoulder on n on n on. Yet, they suffer, and are hurt. Whereas the so called uneducated n fossilized have no ego and are the ones to apolozise first and always..…mistake or no mistake, many of the so called modern don’t even have the courtesy of being polite, forget the apology….their  methods n manners crude n atrocious.

Wrote this in anguish, hurt by the injustice and unfairness, the shoddy n the shabby treatment meted out to my friend. Story could be the same in some other homes…more or less ! But I am not sitting in judgment, nor am I trying to point out to anyone in particular, or paint all with the same brush stroke. Am sure this is one of the isolated cases. There are good and bad exceptions every where and in every age group. And there are shining examples of love n care, grace n graciousness !

Can there be some soul search ? Can there be little generosity to allow them some dignity to sit atop their disability ? That will be reason enough for their happiness n contentment. They neither need nor want anything more !

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Two who left us…but will never leave !

I remembered them in the shower today ! The Two who left us but will never leave !

I remembered them in shower today, I don’t know why ! ‘’Anand’’ and ‘’Kishore’’…..the living metaphors who lived lives the way they were named. Both forever spreading happiness n joy, both forever young n bringing cheer. Their genuine warmth hugged us n goodness envelops us. One intoxicated by his laughter, while the smile of the other was so very  infectious. One could ask me the meaning of ‘slut’ without blinking, while the other wanted to understand the nuanced influence of wine vs. ‘bhang’ on senses. While one teased me endlessly about the things I was trying to hide behind my “kala chasma”, the other gifted me one. While one will discuss spooky feelings attempting cross- words, the other insisted on having me by his side to watch “Bhoot Bangla” on a dark ‘darawani’ night aeons ago.  They really scared the shit out of you at times, LOL ! Such was their camaraderie with young n old that none was foreign and nothing was taboo. Both so open that transparency became naked.

Both larger than life.…. They are no more but they defy death ! Yes they left…..but will never leave !

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Evolving or Devolving ?

A cousin posted something beautiful on kindness yesterday ! This triggered a thought……when we think of kindness, do we not sub-consciously assume kindness only for those who are not close to us ? How kind are we to our near n dear ones…to those who matter most in our lives….our immediate family members…….mother, father, husband, wife (am excluding sons n daughters for we are partial to them and, therefore, our kindness to them is agiven) ! At times are we not violent to them in words and harsh in thoughts ? And at times, do we not treat them shabbily…… by words spoken n unspoken, by behaviour n gestures, by certain things we do or do not do ? Why do we lose our senses n sensitivity, why do we take them for granted…… ?

The more we evolve, the more we devolve……?

 

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The bottom-line of the thought I shared last: Is Mob Lampooning not the same as Mob Lynching ? In one we hang the Body, in the other…Soul !

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