Deeply influenced by Camus and the absurdity of love and existence, I am writing this Blog about the situation of a lover who is cheated by his love and is now symbolically perched precariously and hopelessly on a cliff hanging by the fragile thread of hope so as not to be thrown in the abyss,…..I write about the life of this lover…life which is not a theatre of the absurd, …but a life of absurdity…a living, palpitating absurdity. I lend my words to the thoughts of this dejected yet spirited lover, pardon me if you find me insane and incoherent. I pen thus for this imaginary lover:
I never perceived the full meaning of lifelong struggle to get back lost love, as I was not a party to it, as I had not lost you then, nor ever dreamt of losing you ever. I am hit by its full import now as you have gone away and abandoned me for another, as I suffer and pine for you. To have you back in my life is my futile struggle reflected in my silent quest, in my hopeless hope, and the anguished cry which escapes from my soul, reaches your heart but touches you not.
Camus talks about this absurdity through the character Sisyphus….about the feeling that life is meaningless. Sisyphus is condemned to the unrealizable task of rolling a huge boulder over the top of a hill. The moment he reaches the top, he watches, as it tumbles back to the bottom. He is cursed to repeat the cycle for eternity. But Sisyphus carries on…on n on and on…unmindful n uncaring of the futility of this exercise. It is absurd, it is meaningless…..yet he never stops. So is the absurdity I face in my life now…I know you will never come back, but I keep asking, shamelessly, unmindful of the humiliating rejections.
Camus sees three possible responses to this state of hopelessness: reposing Faith in God ( but I am at best agnostic n think it is an illusion, and i question if God is there, why did he allow another man to take away my woman…as for the woman, I rationalize that she left me to punish me, but to go to this man…?…well even God will be a mad Dog trying to fathom this ); Suicide (but I am a coward); and Defiance…..in continuing to live (love) , despite understanding the futility of existence (struggle to get my love back).Therefore, I settle for the life of subjugation, to the misery of circumstances… with an attitude of acceptance.
My love, you will ask can meaninglessness be justified ? Yes, because, though I am fully conscious of my fate and futility, I cannot escape the struggle…for i can endure it. By embracing the hopelessness, I am aware of the limitations of life…therefore, I discerningly revolt against my fate….this futility…by continuing to toil and try. And I rebel with inner strength and moral courage.
But I am yet to reach a stage where I am free from my anxieties about you, about return of love from you…for I keep hoping…Though I choose a life that is without appeal and hope, my heart still keeps appealing…and hoping…and I keep asking for your love. Though I am indifferent to the future, i cherish my present struggle for your love to the fullest, even if you…the object of my desire…find it deplorable and despicable.
You will be convinced of my arguments, my sincerity, my thoughts n feelings, and the seriousness of my efforts to regain my love only by my death, therefore I die thousand deaths daily.
I am continuing in my misery with a profound understanding of it…I wonder whether I am beginning to savour it. I believe seeking you, your love… is more momentous than suicide…..which serves no purpose. My situation is hopeless and gloomy….and the hopelessness and the gloom are eternal, but I am thoughtlessly immersed in my pursuit and I think neither of hope nor of hopelessness. I am fully aware of the absurdity.
“Basically, at the very bottom of life, which seduces us all, there is only absurdity, and more absurdity. And maybe that’s what gives us our joy for living, because the only thing that can defeat absurdity is lucidity..” (Camus)
And I am lucid enough to understand the futility.
And I stand triumphant in my tragedy !
And I love you !