Silent Musings of Solitude… Being More Human, More Humane & No One But Myself.

I had slowly slumped into sweet slumber in solitude’s shadow; now rising, I see subtle changes in my soaring spirit and style…in ever so nuanced thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.

Confined in shrunken spaces, I have found soul’s landscape is vast and expands forever. Sitting in solitude, I have looked at myself…barebones and naked. I was never a saint and will never be; but feel more evolved, when less involved. Oh, I am changing… and how; yet never, though short-changed time and again.

Now I have more of many that were less, and less of some which were more.

 Now I laugh often, cry frequently, complain little, speak less, love much more and am hurt easily. I am writing a bit and reading quite a bit; I rest more in the arms of music, lose myself completely in the lap of nature, and play plenty with my thoughts. I have always had love affairs with these stunning beauties, now I lust.

Full of faults and failures, but with less of presumptions and prejudices, I am now able to judge less and understand more. Now I search less for motives, and look more for compulsions behind behaviours. I suspect I am growing, but am sure about my ego….it is not.

I am now more at peace being less cynical, less critical; and happier being more content, more accepting of myself and others…as I am and as they are…with idiosyncrasies and imperfections, wrinkles and warts. Now I am better at tolerating the rituals I hate, braggadocio that I despise, and stupidity which I abhor; but I still shun sham, shrew and sarcasm with contempt and disgust.

I have now forgiven those who betrayed me, though can never forget their treachery; for, the tormenting wounds run deep and traumatising scars remain perpetually raw. And my memories reside within me forever, for my soul sucks and soaks deep…every bit, every drop, every ounce…be it nectar, be it poison.

Now I understand it is not necessary to have all the knowledge in the world, it is fine to possess less, and it is OK to stand second or third or even last in life’s lines. But I also realize it is awesome to love and be loved, it is indispensable to have integrity, and imperative not to break the trust…ever.

I had never found fault with frugality, now I see abundance in it; yet paradoxically, the hedonist in me constantly seeks the small little pleasures life has on offer.

I had always missed my family and friends, now I appreciate nothing and no one is more important. Feelings are heavy and moist remembering those in the family I have lost, and light and joyous thinking of those I have; and the naughty twinkle in my eyes now shines brighter at the slightest prospect of back-slapping bonhomie over beer with my friends. I hug unabashedly in my thoughts, those whom I love but dare not reveal; and I hug openly with my eyes and arms all those whom I love and can flaunt.

Now deep within I know it does not matter to miss out on many, but how important it is to hold on to a few who matter; and even as I extract more from life, I now give more of myself to such men and women.

I hear my thoughts echoing in these beautiful words of Pablo Neruda:

“…And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence in order to reach forth to the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song — but in this dance or in this song there are fulfilled the most ancient rites of our conscience in the awareness of being human….”

As my wondering thoughts trot into wandering feelings flowing into whispering words, I fathom:

My eyes were wide shut, but now I See…

I am more human, more humane, and no one but myself;

As I give more life to time and more time to life.

Picture: Keegan Houser/Unsplash.com                Self Portrait

“Eternally She Lives, Forever She Dies.”

“Gujaarish” (meaning ‘Request’) is an Indian movie masterpiece starring Ash and Rithik, and the cigarette smoking scene in the speeding car vividly paints the agonies and ecstasies of their relationship. I have tried to capture these contours and “breaking free moments” in my poem: 

“Eternally She Lives, Forever She Dies.”

-Intimately, she lit a cigarette between my lips…

Tendering tiny tendrils of life, never yet lived,

Passionately, over precious puffs she lingered…

Her parched soul too, by life, lusted to be kissed.

-With yearning eyes, primal passions she ignited…

With tempting touch, forbidden fantasies she lighted,

Her scent so intoxicating, languorous life I inhaled…

Her silence so seductive, infernal inhibitions I exhaled.

-Wind in the hair and longings in the heart…

Desire daredevil, euphoric like a prancing dart,

Luring labyrinth mysterious! Whispering wishes run amok…

donning dancing hooves, waltz like wanton wants. 

-Snatching lifetime, for an instant from time’s grip…

Extracting every ounce, its sweet nectar insatiably we sip,

Intoxicating love, nuanced yet intense…

Scorch our spirits, souls, sanity and sense.

-Tentalizing touch of her fingertips to cigarette my quivering lips…

Stir memories of our tempestuous times and trials under veils,

Soon to fade away with the drifting smoke…

 Poignant reminder of life unfulfilled, a cruel joke.

-I was destined to be wasted, and she by design…

She gave me all of her, and much more to align,

Transient time tethered, stood still for some time…

Sanguine souls fused forever, but bereft bodies pine.

-What is she to me: a mother, a lover, a sister, a friend ?

Undefined relationship, ensconced in feelings unexplained,

Agonizing and exhilarating, is our unspoken bond…

Unfathomable! It’s much more…above, deep and beyond.

-I was Sisyphus! Struggling to claim what was not to be…

Now I surrender, for life chose not to be in me,

She insane in her fight, I triumphant in my defeat…

In this tragedy, there was nothing to win and none to beat.

-My life is her liberation, and death my freedom…

Right or wrong, in the twilight of finality who can fathom,

As I say goodbye, my death she wants to defy…

But death is the ugly truth, life but a beautiful lie.

-Life lifeless we lived, yet clinging to the magnificent moment…

My existence is her life, our parting her torment,

In death’s shadow, imprisoned and intertwined are our lives…

Within me, eternally she lives! With me, forever she dies!

 

Disclaimer: I am not aware whether I am violating any copyright by posting these pics. I have no intention of piracy and have posted these pics only to make my poem come alive. I am prepared to remove these pics if the copyright owners (if any) so wish. Thanks

Friends, Not Lovers !

Relatively speaking, all relationships except love and friendship are governed by legal, social, religious, economic or political sanctions.  Friendship and love have no written or unwritten contract (lawyers are too expensive). However, friendship flows naturally (despite unnatural tendencies in some), whereas love has compulsions (of unmentionable benefits). Let’s juxtapose these relationships:

In a love relationship, we love, sacrifice and give (do we have any options), but we also consciously or unconsciously presume, demand and take for granted (our birth-rights). In love, we care and cuddle (hoping quid pro quo), but at times we are mean and jealous (genetic predispositions), and subtly or not so subtly pressurise and control (natural instincts). Friends do not compare, compete or complain, nor do they expect, exasperate or exacerbate (who will let them without a contract).

A lover can leave one and take two, but you don’t discard a friend in favour of another. Either one is a friend, or one is not. In love the joining date may be blurred on the postcard from the past, but the termination letter is clearly and neatly dated. Friendship is neither by appointment nor is there any expiry printed on it. Oscar Wilde is succinct “Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer”.

I can indulge with friends five or fifty, but can’t eat, drink or dance with lovers two or twenty without having my skull split open on all sides. Can you imagine back-slapping bonhomie among your past, present and future lovers? As Nietzsche said “Love is blind. Friendship closes its eyes”. If I may philosophise further: falling in love blindly is an eye opener, and friendship is an open and shut case.

As friends we are at our unhindered best… nice, naked and naughty…perfect partners in peccadilloes. With friends we can let our hair down yet keep the chins up. Borrowing from Robert Bloch, friendship is like pee in the pants; everyone can see it, but only we can feel the warm tingling sensation inside.

Yes, friends are sometimes pain- in- the- ass, but never hemorrhoids.

I will take my lover (yours too if you like) as my friend anytime, but not vice versa.

(This is written in good humour and not to belittle any relationship)

Still !

Still I am…

And distill my stillness still,

Some substance and residue plenty to fill…

Yet, in stillness how I distill;

                    Here, there, wherever…

                    I wonder, I wander everywhere,

                    Neither satiated nor had my kill…

                    Yet I am so still;

Fleeting  memories fill times bygone…

Fluttering thoughts find future untold,

Aloft near or beyond the distant hill…

Asunder, yet so close, It’s love or fear you instill ?

                    Stoic and neurotic, heroic and meek…

                    I am resilient, I am weak,

                    What couldn’t be, was not to be…

                    In the remnant you, what do I seek ?

Still I am…

And distill my stillness still,

Some substance and residue plenty to fill…

Yet, in stillness how I distill !

WHEN FATHER DEPARTS !

Dreams and memories of father waft into my nights like puffy clouds… sobbing memories, crying dreams… descending in hordes. Memories which keep me awake; Dreams pulsating and alive; Emotions overwhelming n choking. Memories of his infectious laughter, his magical touch and that naughty twinkle in his eyes… memories which beckon, dreams which whisper… tiny tendrils of tender thoughts… maudlin eyes tired of crying at times, but remembrance always wet…

With age he mellowed and sparkled like a fine vintage wine, yet father was a child. Innocent in his maturity and playful in his seriousness, he kept the child within around too. Father was full of life and gave so much of himself and his love. He didn’t preach goodness, but showed it in his methods n manners. Fond of small little pleasures, and with impeccable taste for finer things, he was neither greedy nor a hoarder, nor was he casual in his words, approach and life-style.

Father gave his best and looked for the best in others. He stood tall but never made one feel small. He appreciated all that is good and beautiful and left the world a little better. So very humane, father was among a few good men, a rare breed. He lived and died on his own terms… with dignity and grace, and in his own inimitable style! I grieve that he is no more, but am thankful that he was.

My unspoken bonding with father was such that there was little to be said between two of us. His silence was eloquent, eyes spoke volumes, and his smile or a raised eyebrow conveyed it all. Feelings ran deep and our understanding grew without trying. I wish I had held his hand more often and little longer; I wish I had hugged him whenever and wherever and for no reason; I wish I had sat by his side silently watching the sunset, sun or no sun; I wish I had stolen more of his mornings, afternoons and evenings; I wish I had drunk and devoured more of him… oh, how I wish!

Father went away, but will always be with me. He lives in my laughter and cries, in my joys and sorrows, in my sky and universe, in my days and nights. He lives in my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings. He lives in my breaths, my memories and my moments. I bask in the warmth of his love, I shine in his reflected glory.

After he departed, people thus console and counsel: life goes on as it keeps flowing like a river. But as Heraclitus said, no man enters the same river again…for it is not the same river and he is no longer the same man.

Sri HCS Photograph

Sophistication of intelligent minds reflects in the sensitiveness of their souls.

A TALE OF TWO….IN THE CONTEXT OF MY PARENTS

Parents are at Bangalore since mid-November 2019. I tend to their medical needs when they are here…doctors, hospitals, the regimen…and of late I have realized I often lose patience and become irritated when father reminds repeatedly about something. I might hide behind the justification that in the hurly-burly household scenario where 10 humans try their best to remain sane and humane…competing for peace, coping with the pace, jostling for space…nerves do get frayed at times. But what is a family, if not confusion and chaos?

I am ashamed of myself as I compare in my mind and recall how Antima tends to their needs- medical and more at Guwahati…without losing patience, without ever getting annoyed…replies umpteen times… calmly, affectionately…as if talking to toddlers aged two….with love and kindness and a happy smiling face…coaxing them to eat, cajoling to take medicine, persuading to venture out, encouraging to have some fun….. giving them her time, empathy and the warmth of sunshine in the winter of their lives (neither bragging nor blaming, and despite a full-time job and domestic affairs in her hair).

Sophistication of intelligent minds, such as Antima’s, reflects in the sensitiveness of their souls.

Stories such as these must be told…not to belittle contributions of anyone, but for lessons to be learnt…i am learning mine!

                        cliff-colorful-colourful-237250

                                            

 

An Ephemeral Creature of Transient Times….I Live in the World of Words i Write!

An ephemeral creature of transient times…

I live in the world of words i write;

Firefly of the future, my soul found wings…

In life lost and stars-kissed light.

            Words echoing from my deepest depths…

            I owe to the one who took my breath away;

            Living now, now dead…

           Neither regret nor rejoice, nothing to say.

Nothing like forever old n forever new…

For not in moments, in memories i live;

Born to die and born yet again…

Nothing to forget yet nothing to believe.

           Past a beautiful lie, Present existential angst…

           Future but an agonized quest;

           Scorched soul sitting on pierced wings…

           Flies me to distant shores, be it dark be twilight.

Nano particle in the void of time n space…

Infinity ensconced in a fleeting second;

Effervescent, enchanting, exhilarating…

Yet, in palm, are life n times ever held.

            An ephemeral creature of transient times…

           I live in the world of words i write;

           Firefly of the future, my soul found wings…

          In life lost and stars-kissed light.

OF CONSTRUCTION, DECONSTRUCTION AND DESTRUCTION !

Using a metaphor, I call her Life. 

Life which is full of cunning, deceit and treachery !

Life taught me there are elements of Construction & Deconstruction in poetry, as in life.

But she Constructed to Destruct.

An uniquely sordid and sinister drama unfolds when she constructs and destructs her own love poetry while devouring John Donne and Neruda….where she designs, directs and becomes the protagonist…..to construct a new poetry, by destroying the old.  

It is her Masterstroke, but the game is not over, not yet !

Now let me take you on this journey of Construction and Destruction to arrive at the truth that the REAL was SURREAL at best and FAKE at its worst !

To take you on this journey which begins with Seduction and culminates into Ruination, I have put together some of my writings and a few quotes :

 

CONSTRUCTION

 Seduction By Life !

O Life how you seduce me…

I lust for you or you lust for me ?

O voluptuous, sensuous life,

You suck me in your beautiful body, you devour me in your exuberant soul !

Your sights n smells, sounds n scents so exciting….

Your contours n curves, crannies n crevices so enticing…..

You engulf me like flames of forest fire !

You embrace me n kiss me with primal passion…

You dance in me and i dance inside you … with joy unbound n exhilaration….

A particle in whirlwind gyrating with gay abandon…..

O Life You inflame decadent desire !

O Life you tempt with hedonistic pleasure !

I swim in your waters, I dive in the depths of your valleys…

 I climb your hills, I fathom your forests of lilys…

Life… you enthrall, you invigorate !

Life…you invite, you intoxicate !

Life….you energize, you stimulate !

You attract, you addict, you attack, you arrest !

You call, You seek, you beckon, you challenge !

O alluring fascinating Life, You charm me out of my wits,

I am eternally thirsty to drink the love-poison from your lips !

O Life you lure, you hunt, you thrill…. n you kill….

And like a woman wily n wanton, you spoil !

Life dear, You enter my soul n my soul enters you to meet, merge n mate,

And how I cherish n our tempestuous relationship I celebrate !

Oh Life how you seduce me,

I lust for you and you lust for me…!

 

 DESTRUCTION

 Excerpts from my Blog: “Absurdity of Love n Existence…in the context of Lover’s treachery”

Deeply influenced by Camus and the absurdity of love and existence,…..I write about the life of this lover…life which is not a theatre of the absurd, …but a life of absurdity…a living, palpitating absurdity.

….I never perceived the full meaning of lifelong struggle to get back lost love, as I was not a party to it, as I had not lost you then, nor ever dreamt of losing you ever. I am hit by its full import now as you have gone away and abandoned me for another, as I suffer and pine for you. To have you back in my life is my futile struggle reflected in my silent quest, in my hopeless hope, and the anguished cry which escapes from my soul, reaches your heart but touches you not.

….. So is the absurdity I face in my life now…I know you will never come back, but I keep asking, shamelessly, unmindful of the humiliating rejections….I settle for the life of subjugation, to the misery of circumstances… with an attitude of acceptance.

…. though I am fully conscious of my fate and futility,  I cannot escape the struggle…for i can endure it. By embracing the hopelessness, I am aware of the limitations of life…therefore, I discerningly revolt against my fate….this futility…by continuing to toil and try. And I rebel with inner strength and moral courage.

But I am yet to reach a stage where I am free from my anxieties about you, about return of love from you…for I keep hoping…Though I choose a life that is without appeal and hope, my heart still keeps appealing…and hoping…and I keep asking for your love. Though I am indifferent to the future, i cherish my present struggle for your love to the fullest, even if you…the object of my desire…find it deplorable and despicable.

You will be convinced of my arguments, my sincerity, my thoughts n feelings, and the seriousness of my efforts to regain my love only by my death, therefore I die thousand deaths daily.

I am continuing in my misery with a profound understanding of it…I wonder whether I am beginning to savour it. I believe seeking you, your love… is more momentous than suicide…..which serves no purpose. My situation is hopeless and gloomy….and the hopelessness and the gloom are eternal, but I am thoughtlessly immersed in my pursuit and I think neither of hope nor of hopelessness. I am fully aware of the absurdity.

“Basically, at the very bottom of life, which seduces us all, there is only absurdity, and more absurdity. And maybe that’s what gives us our joy for living, because the only thing that can defeat absurdity is lucidity..” (Camus)

And I am lucid enough to understand the futility.

And I stand triumphant in my tragedy !

And I love you !

 

Of Broken Sandal and Heart

Oh…such was the intensity when we first met,

her sandals broke…

I put the broken sandals on her feet,

and we carried on, she limping along !

Was it harbinger of the day she repaid

by placing my heart on my hands after breaking it ?

 

Body and Mind

She said I made her a woman

And she took away my manhood !

She said she came to me for my  mind

But she left me for some  “body” !

Her metamorphosis was oh so swift so urgent

She lost no time and developed wings to desert me !

My deepening lines now did not impress her, my wit n repartee now of no report,

Empty and redundant now I was, for she had found someone abundant !

 

The Difference

What could have been between us, was never to be….

You swore by love and I lay all my trust in trust,

 I did not prove you wrong…

But you did by breaking my trust !

 

The Lesson

“When you finally trust someone,

without any doubt you finally get one of the two results,

 A person for Life, Or

A LESSON FOR LIFE”

 

Lafjon ki Dhokebaazi

I did not ask, and you did not tell,

when I did ask, you weaved “lafjon ki dhokebazi”.

 

Lie n Truth

You can’t lie to your soul,

for your soul knows your truth, your deception !

 

Perceptions

There are things known and things unknown,

There are words said and words unsaid…

And in between are the doors of perception !

 

Road to Enlightenment

Deception…Perception…
Confirmation…Liberation…
Enlightenment !

 

Naturally So

She couldn’t help Deceiving….. again n again,

It is Her nature !

I couldn’t help Trusting….. time n again,

It’s Mine !

 

Of Fake Love

Shout from the roof-tops,

0r wear it as a badge….

What is Love….but fake,

If it’s the Trust you break !

 

Fareb

Meri kitab ke har ek panne, har ek lafj pe sirf usika jikr hai,

jao ek baar uski ankhon me jhaank aao…..

dikhayi degi meri mohabbat,

aur uska fareb !

 Every page, every word of my book is full of her,

Go, look into her eyes once….

You will see my love,

And her treachery !

 

Real ? Surreal ? Fake ?

Yes her love was exquisite n  beautiful….

But like a plastic flower,

She was neither Real nor Surreal….

But a FAKE !

 

Careful Destruction

She took great care in destroying me,

After all she “loved” me so !

 

Right & Wrong

I believed we were beyond right or wrong,

But she wronged me saying it was right !

 

The Truth

The Unfaithful is faithfully so,

The Shameless is shamelessly so….

The twain meet in the Treacherous !

 

Parijat, Tea, Notebook and Bridges

Many a mornings i plucked fragile n fragrant PARIJAT for her with great care,

One morning she trampled upon them with scorn n glee…

the fragments n fading fragrance remain in my painful memory !

Many a afternoons i brewed TEA for her with great care n served delicately in China,

One afternoon she put poison of her deceit in my cup….

This poison circulates forever in my veins !

Many a days we wrote n read the NOTEBOOK of love together,

One day she tore it up and threw the torn pages away….

The words mock me mournfully !

Over the years we built the BRIDGES and crossed them hand-in-hand time n again,

She burnt the Bridges n threw the ashes to the winds…..

I ran after it and collected a handful, crestfallen n ashen-faced !

Now i love Parijat, Tea, Notebook and Bridges more….

Coz they remind me of her treachery !

 

Stranger in the Mirror

I stood before the mirror

And saw a stranger,

I asked: who are you ?

Stranger replied: I was !

 

Life Wish

I wish I met some people a little earlier,

some a little later,

and You never at all !

 

Paths

Our paths may cross again at times….

though I wish not !

If they do, I will step aside and make way for you…..

to pass unnoticed !

Now that Destruction is complete, my existential crisis is over. Am neither leading the Camus’s tragic life of exercise in futility nor contemplating metamorphosis into an insect as depicted by Kafka.

“If life can remove people you never dreamed of losing,

 it can replace them with someone you never dreamed of having” !

And as Oscar Wilde said :

 “The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly deceived”.

Parijat

 

For me, the treacherous are now IRRELEVANT !

Now I have left my pain, anger and bitterness behind to set myself free from the prison I was in. Two, too close to me n taking advantage of my unquestioning trust in them, consciously conspired to commit monumental treachery and fraud upon me. This began about two to three years ago I think….right under my nose n I didn’t even smell it…how could I…..so complete was my faith in them. About a year and few months back, their deceit was revealed. I was crestfallen, torn into pieces. It was so difficult to heal the wound and I went berserk. Now I look back and realize, they did good to me by their treachery n deceit….for that showed me their true colours and allowed me to free myself from the bondage, from the fake.

As the new year dawns, I look back with satisfaction n happiness and bask in the glow n glory of new, beautiful relationships. “If life can remove people you never dreamed of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamed of having”.

Now i can ignore the treacherous as they are relevant no more !

(Note: As told to me by someone, put in my words though.)

IMG_20180306_191232

Of broken Sandal and Heart !

Oh…such was the intensity when we first met, her sandals broke…

But I put the broken sandals on her feet,

and we carried on, she limping along !

Was it harbinger of the day she repaid……

by placing my heart on my hands after breaking it ?

IMG_20180306_191637